Missing Mema

Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Isn't it funny how I sit tonight missing my Mema, my paternal grandmother, terribly?  The last time I talked to her or she was able to tell me she loved me I was 16 years old. I lost her that year to a horrible disease called lung cancer. She was the first person I ever "cared" for as a caregiver.  I still remember the pain and fear of watching her take each breath near the end.  Clearly I remember the physical pain I felt in my heart when she left me but the relief for her to be out of pain.  One of the first tough lessons of caregiving I learned.

As a 40 year old wife and mother, I continue to miss her talks and her presence in my life.  I long to share with her and gain her wisdom.  I like to picture her sitting with me at my kitchen table with a glass of unsweetened ice tea in one hand and a cigarette dangling from the other.  Her smile is comforting and she refers to me as her pumpkin.  I often call my own daughter that same loving name without even realizing it.  Funny how embedded things are in your forever memories. 

What I miss most is the way in which she always made me feel.  She not only loved me but took care of me.  Many days as a caregiver I long for that feeling and realize that today this same comfort and care comes only through the Holy Spirit.  I see now how God loved me through my Mema and taught me what protective love felt like just so I would recognize it once it came from the Lord. 

I know my Mema waits for me in heaven and I often feel she is my guardian angel.