No Answer

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

As a caregiver I have faced countless amounts of fear.  Along my journey, I have learned to depend upon God and trust Him in such a richer way.  I worried anytime my husband was out of sight.  I would even panic if he didn’t answer me right away when we were in the same house.  I always feared he had passed out, that his pacemaker had gone off, or imagined even the worst.  When I would leave the house I made sure I could reach him and talk with him at all times.  I would have the house phone beside him along with his cell phone in his pocket, just in case he needed to reach me. 

Over time the fear began to lesson as his health improved.  It was a gradual process for me but I have come a long way.  First, just leaving the house was torture for me, yet at the same time I had to go back to work.  Next, came leaving Brian alone with our daughter, which was challenging as well.  I always envisioned him collapsing in front of her or dying while they were alone.  These are things caregivers think about that no one else even fathoms.   

I am now at a point where I am able to leave him each day in order to go to work and don’t think about all the morbid things I used to.  I also don’t worry when he picks our daughter up from school each afternoon before I get off of work.  I know that she knows what to do in case of emergency and I just don’t worry about those things happening to my husband as I used to for so many years. 

But… then come days like today when he doesn’t answer my text messages for over three hours.  By hour three I could feel those old fears rising up inside and me allowing the enemy to attack my thoughts.  I pictured Brian collapsed in our home or Taylor sitting at school because no one had picked her up.  I finally had to leave the group I was working with and go to my office in order to call my husband.  After several rings I heard his voice.  I was relieved but then came the frustration and even a sense of anger.  He explained he was busy and was talking with Taylor’s teacher and didn’t want to be rude and answer his text messages.  I totally understand but at the same time he has never been on my end of the phone.  If I didn’t answer his message he would think my phone was dead or on vibrate.  That is much different from the thoughts I have had in the past and that even continue to resurface now.

I have realizations when things like today happen about being a caregiver.  No matter how well my husband is doing, my mind remembers where we have been.  I find it amazing how quickly those hidden fears can rise to the surface and overcome me in only a moment.  I continually pray for caregivers and my heart breaks for all who are attached to your phone waiting for a call 24/7.  God is there and He doesn’t want your fears to take over your life.  Fear is not of God.  God’s peace and comfort can wash over you like a blanket to ease your mind and heart.  Call out to Him in your moments of fear.  I promise He hears you and will answer.